The day of my death

I am tired, cold and wet; I’ve been walking around the city of Wroclaw for the whole day, looking at faces, observing lost colours among deep grey mood of autumn; just getting cold and shaking my profound melancholy.

I take a sit on a torn chair in the middle of practically useless kitchen. I stretch my arm and I turn the teapot on. While I’m waiting for the water to boil, I listen to the radio ‘Jubilee Street’ by Nick Cave; one of my favourite songs over the last years. I start singing almost silently, whispering…

-Look at me now…

Today is the 2nd of November, the day of my death, the day when I’m happily dying. Today proved that my existence was real.

The first thing to die inside me has been my beloved melancholy, the terrible illness, which was drying my soul and the sparkle in my eyes.

Ultimately, in a slow motion, fear of being myself has died too. I’ve immediately started to feel free; my smile was back. Also, I’ve stopped being afraid of saying things that matter.

Now I can scream out loud about how these modern days are being disintegrated.

Enhancement of and widespread fashion for individualism are major madness of our solitude. Now, I’ve become conscious of the outside noise, this sick society. Little by little, I’ve started to reflect and discuss on my own. I’m starting to think again.

Today, I’ve ceased my immobilisation to make art, to produce art and I passed from standstill to be art.

With my death, I was aware and conscious of relevance of my agency to generate changes, to change the entire world, although it means changing only myself.

I stopped to believe in corrupted media, all the news and fake voices that are produced. I woke up and opened my eyes, connecting the brain with my heart. I decided to be a happy human or at least to walk the path towards finding it.

With my death I’ve given me the opportunity to dream, dream high; yet focusing on my own dreams instead of those constructed by this unconscious system.

Now I’ve agreed to become someone new, someone who will transform my own identity stemmed from ‘being’ and from ‘doing’. I have a new self.

Suddenly my voice recovered its lyrics and strength of my tone.

-I’m transforming, I’m vibrating, I’m glowing. Look at me now!

-I’m transforming, I’m vibrating, I’m glowing. Look at me now!

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© 2020 by Sop Rodchenvko

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

All text by Sop Rodchenvko are reviewed and copy-edited by Gosia Polanska (Mojek).

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